


Never Found.

by Mufffy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A small amount of fluff, Angst, Angst without a happy end, Character Death, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of Crying, M/M, Murphy Sibling Bonding, Suicide, a funeral, i'm not really sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2018-12-31 18:11:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12138225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mufffy/pseuds/Mufffy
Summary: Evan is the one to commit suicide while Connor and Heidi have to go through his things, relive memories, letters, and what's left of their broken livesWarning;There is a death scene don't read if you're uncomfortable!





	1. Without him

**Author's Note:**

> Sincerely me is said a lot-
> 
> And; I am so sorry. Just saying that now, I just needed to write a lot of Angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

"What about this one?” Connor mumbled, holding a box before laying it on the desk in Evan’s room. He’d been more stunned than Heidi had been. He just couldn’t face the reality of it all

Heidi looked up from her spot on the floor as she went through old clothes, staring at the box “I.. don’t remember” she frowned, standing up to walk over, opening the box “Oh.. The letters” she whispered, picking one up to open it “This was from April” she smiled a little

Connor frowned, his heart having the same aching feeling he always gets when he thinks about Evan too much. He clenched his fist a little, feeling the bracelet he was wearing tighten, the stretchy string fading a little as he slowly let his hand go. “Was it.. uh.. Yeah” Connor tried, walking next to Heidi to look at the date, 04-02. Just a few days before.

“No, but it’s close” she frowned, folding the letter over to down before sitting back on the floor “I.. can’t believe it’s all happening, but.. I should’ve seen it” she whined a little, covering her mouth

Connor stood there, silent and feeling his own tears start forming, he tried to keep them back, he tried so hard but he couldn’t. He cried opening with a shaky breathe, wiping his eyes as he picked up the letter, looking at Heidi before slowly unfolding it

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why! Because it’s April 2nd which means it’s another day. You’re going to go to school and see Connor! And Zoe, and Jared. It’s also a good day because they’re your friends, and they care about you and love you! And mom, She loved you the most and is always there when you need here, even if she’s at work, When she’s open, she’s there for you.  
Connor will be there waiting for you at lunch and Jared will make lame jokes as usual, He’s always the funniest. But Connor is funnier, but that’s also why it’s a good day, because Connor loves you and you love him back and you’re dating. After almost a year of crushing he asked you out back in December. Almost 5 months now! And that’s a good day.  
Sincerely, Me

Connor covered his eyes, still crying freely before putting the letter down “Shit..” He mumbled, sniffling a little before sitting on the floor with Heidi, putting a hand on her shoulder “I know it’s rough, but.. We should continue going through things” he smiled, watching her slowly raise her head

“..You’re right” she smiled, wiping her tears “Thank you again for coming to help” Heidi rubbing her eye again before going back to a box, taking out a hoodie

“No problem” he smiled, looking at the hoodie before frowning.. That was the hoodie Connor had given him in January

***

Evan was propped against the hallway wall, trying to calm his breathe but only freaking out more, covering his mouth a little as he cried. He didn’t want people to hear or watch but a few were and he couldn’t stand it. The growing heat in his chest, the anxiety forming in his head, something telling him to run, so he ran, down the hall and right into Connor

Connor of course stopped and grabbed him by the shoulders ”Hey- Evan, Hey hey- What’s wrong, What’s wrong??” He tried, putting a hand on Evan’s cheek to wipe his tears, He hated seeing Evan cry

“I- I don’t, i-i don’t k-know- know I-i just- I don’t know I-“ He tried, his words mixing and coming out a stuttered mess before Connor pulled him close against his chest

“Shhh, shh- It’s okay.. It’s just a panic attack, You’re going to be okay” Connor pushed, taking Evan’s hands so he could sit against the now open hallway

Evan followed at a quicker pace, once on the ground, hugging Connor tightly and burying his face into his chest. Connor smelled like disgusting cologne and weed, but it calmed Evan, He took a few deep breathes of Connor, smelling his chest until he was breathing properly again, a light smiling forming

( Gets high off smelling weed- I KNOW ITS SERIOUS BUT I NEEDED TO MAKE THAT JOKE )

Connor smiled at that and put an arm around him, comforting him “Feeling better?” He tested, he didn’t want to break the silence or ruin Evan’s happy mood but he wanted to make sure

Evan waited a few moment before shaking his head, his frown appearing again as he buried his face more. He didn’t want to talk, he couldn’t right now and Connor understood that, Connor understood a lot

Connor frowned again, smiling as he sat up a little, sighing at Evan’s whine “I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving-“ He reassured, unzipping his jacket to take it off, putting it over Evan’s shoulders

Evan didn’t want to let go but he slowly did, pulling his hands through the long sleeves, going back to hugging Connor, He didn’t want to let go and he honestly never would if he didn’t have to

Connor laughed lightly, hugging him and kissed his forehead “Better..?” He whispered, slinging his scarred arm around Evan. He scars were showing, but he really didn’t care, As long as Evan was okay and not crying anymore

“Much better” Evan finally mumbled, a lot calmer than before

Connor smiled, relaxing himself as he pat his shoulder “Good” he whispered

***

Connor sighed, looking away from the hoodie, He didn’t want it back. It was Evan’s, Even if he got it back he couldn’t bare to wear it. He gave it to Evan, for Evan to wear and Evan to flap his much shorter arms around in the long sleeves that fit Connor

“I gave that to him” Connor confessed, smiling a little “I.. never thought he’d keep it after three months” he laughed, looking back into the box

Heidi smiled, dropping it in her lap “You know.. If you want, You can take anything of Evan’s.. Not things from his child hood, Maybe, but.. Some clothes or.. Certain things” she offered him the jacket, still smiling but her eyes were ready to cry

Connor stared at it before tearing up, he wanted to stop crying, He tried so hard, he tried with everything in him to not cry but he had to. The boy he loved wore his hoodie for months later. He slowly reached out for it, gripping it tightly to his chest, crying into the hood.

He smelled it again, his stomach dropping. He remember Evan telling him how it smelled, It smelled like Connor. But now it smells like Evan, It smells like bubblegum and vanilla, chocolate, lots of sweets and Connor sobbed. He weeped, His heart ached because he felt guilty, The hoodie he had worn for years smelled like Evan.

He felt anxious, and greedy. He wanted to keep it, Keep it forever and lock it away somewhere in his heart, the smell of bubble gum and vanilla, the sugary sweet scent like Evan. He loved it, but he was hunched over on his knees, his head on the floor as he cried, nearly screaming into the hoodie, he wanted to scream and he wanted to run.. Run in the field with Evan again and climb trees. He wanted to hear Evan’s voice, wanted to hear him talk and ramble about how much he loved trees and how much he loved Connor

Wanted to hear his best friend and boy friend’s voice one last time. He finally sat up, rubbing his eyes not even realizing that Heidi was petting his head to comfort him as he leaned up “I-I’m sorry it’s just-“

“No, I understand” she smiled, petting his head again before letting go “I miss him too..” She smiled, looking at the hoodie “Keep it” she nodded

He stared at the hoodie, clutching it close to his chest and smiled “Thank you..” He whispered, slowly taking out his phone with a shaky hand “Um, Do you have Evan’s phone?” He stared with hopeful eyes

She watched him, a little confused before standing up, going through a box, moving to a next one to get a phone, handing it to him “I need to have it shut off, but if you want to use it as a memory.. You can” she smiled

He shook his head, going to his contact “No, I just.. need something” he mumbled, clicking the contact “Baby” and waiting as the phone ringed, waiting in anticipation

“You’ve reached Evan Hansen! Please call again later when I’m not busy at the moment, I’ll call you right back if I get your message, Bye!” Evan’s voice echoed through the phone, Connor smiling a little “I just.. needed to hear him again” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes

Heidi was covering her mouth, trying to hold back the tears “I-It’s okay.. He just.. He sounds so happy” she smiled, listening the rest of the caller ID before hanging up “Don’t want to.. leave messages he won’t hear” she laughed a little, swallowing her tears down, looking around Evan’s room

“Right..” He mumbled, taking a breathe before putting the phone down to look around too “..It looks so.. Not Evan” He mumbled, looking at the ceiling, the stars that were still plastered on the ceiling and walls. He wished it was darker so he could see them glow.

***

“What about here?” Evan suggested, putting a star on the ceiling, he was standing on his bed, holding a bunch of stars to stick on the walls “All around the bed?” He smiled, sitting back down to put one on his head board

Connor smiled, holding the bag of stars “You choose, I think we need more stars though if you want them everywhere” he mumbled, standing in front of him. He realized how shorter Evan was than him, standing and sitting, he leaned forward to kiss his forehead as Evan put a star over his mouth

“I want them everywhere!” He laughed, Connor taking the star off to put it on Evan’s nose “Connor!” He laughed

“We can get more, but for now let’s stick to spreading them out a little?” He smiled, climbing on the bed to put a few stars up, glancing at Evan once in a while before staring at him “..Why are you staring at-“

Evan leaned forward and smiled, lightly pressing their lips together before pulling away to put more stars up

Connor stared, his whole face going red before looking at the window “Evan?” He laughed a little, looking back at Evan who was trying to hold back a laugh “Dude-“ he snorted, covering his mouth with back of his hand “Oh my god”

“Don’t say it!” Evan laughed, snorting again, blushing a dark shade of red

“Evan oh my god” he mumbled “You’re killing me with how cute you are” he laughed, lightly nudging Evan

“Shut up!” He laughed, hitting him a little back before smiling, putting a star up on the wall

Connor watched him, He’d noticed how much more confident Evan was growing. He loved it when he smiled or danced, even talking louder is a good accomplishment. He especially loved it when he looked up in the hallways and waved to people or made eye contact. But his favorite was when he finally worked up the courage to kiss him

***

“It’s not, It looks as if he’d.. moved away, As if.. It’s all just a big cruel joke” Heidi mumbled, her eyes dark ringed and light red “I almost wish it was”

Connor frowned, putting a hand on her shoulder “It.. kind of is, but the joke is like,, life itself?” He blinked, watching Heidi before she started laughing

“We’ll see him soon, but tomorrow is.. the day” she mumbled, going back to frowning

Connor frowned, looking down at the hoodie stained in tears, He absolutely hated it now. It wasn’t his anymore.. He didn’t want it but it was one of the few things he had left

“Um, Heidi..?” He looked up with his eyes, his head still tilted down as he looked at her with wide eyes

“Yes..?” She turned from an old shirt she had and looked at Connor’s expression before smiling “Of course” she nodded, watching him smile 

“Thank you” he put Evan’s hoodie down and rubbed his face, clearing his head a little. He still smelled the bubble gum from the hoodie, he missed the actual smell of Evan. Like a child, a small child who always had candy

He smiled a little, thinking about it, thinking about his ex-boyfriend. He hated saying he was his ex-boyfriend now, they never broke up, neither of them wanted to either. Evan loved being protected and babied in all honesty, and Connor loved babying him

Heidi pulled out a small blanket, immediately putting it back into the box to close it “I just can’t believe..”

Connor looked up from his hands, not even realizing he was fidgeting before frowning “None of us can.. None of us even knew” he swallowed, picking his words carefully to make sure he didn’t make either of them break into a fit of tears again “I just wished I could’ve realized sooner”

Heidi smiled, folding the box’s edge down, moving it aside “I.. should’ve seen it- He wrote a letter that morning.. If only I had read it before” she mumbled

Connor frowned. Deeply. He knew which letter she was talking about, the one of 04-06, April sixth. He would forever come to hate that day, because he remembered that morning, and he could’ve stopped it

***

“Evan- ..Evan??” Connor stopped smiling and watched as Evan walked right past him, Ignoring him maybe? Or just lost in thought. He followed him a little, saying his name, He knew Evan was jumpy and didn’t want to be randomly touched but he did, he reached out for Evan’s shoulder, lightly tapping him to where Evan slowed down, looking behind him without even a single jump. Connor should’ve realized

Evan looked up at Connor and went back to looking sad, his eyes a light blue grey instead sky grey as if his heart had been broken, his hands back to holding his arms and he slouched, something Evan normally did but his shoulders weren’t tense and he wasn’t looking down, he was just.. looking ahead

“Evan are you okay?” Connor tested, putting a hand on Evan’s shoulder that he shook off

“I’m fine” He mumbled, almost dead-pan or angry

“..No you’re not, Talk to me” Connor smiled, his eyebrows flattening in a sincere ( LY ME :”D ) look, like the ones people would give to puppies in a shelter

“I’m fine, I don’t need to talk to anyone” Evan smiled, looking up at Connor this time before hesitantly taking his hand “Just a longish night” he smiled

Connor wanted to question, biting his lip, he knew Evan was somewhat happy now and he didn’t want to ruin it “If you need to talk, Im here” he smiled, lightly squeezing Evan’s hand

Evan gave a short and much softer squeeze back, looking back ahead as he swung their hands back and forth a little “If there was a problem, I promise i’ll talk to you about” He promised, and lied

***

“It’s not your fault, I could’ve talked to him that day too- and I regret not.. Just pushing him a little” he sighed, feeling his tears come back

Heidi shook her head “But it was so true.. Everything he said was true which just makes it even worse, I can’t.. believe I’m that horrible of a mother” she mumbled, standing up to go back to Evan’s desk, picking up the box of letters, sitting back down “I just.. I wish i could’ve so badly helped..but my baby is- He’s..” she stopped to sob in the sentence a little, looking up “All because i didn’t talk to him or read the letter- He even left it on the table and told me to read it.. Like he knew i wouldn’t”

Connor thought, he didn’t want to think about how there were so many ways to stop it, but it never got stopped. He could’ve pushed evan a little more and got him to vent about it all, Heidi could’ve stopped everything she was doing to read the letter, other students could’ve talked to him and noticed things, Evan himself could’ve stopped it

Connor shook his head free, watching as Heidi cried freely, lightly putting a hand on her back “It’s not your fault.. He did it in the morning” he frowned, looking away a little “None of us ever would’ve though” he whimpered out

***

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick” Evan smiled, standing up in homeroom, not giving Connor a chance to say anything as he walked out the door.

twenty minutes had passed and Connor stood up, walking out the door, the bathroom was right down the hall, It couldn’t’ve taken twenty minutes. He walked down the hall, opening the door before opening the second door inside “Evan-…” He froze, staring with wide eyes at him. Lifeless on the floor, holding a small bottle in his hands

Connor could feel his tears streaming away, he slowly walked to him, sitting next to him, shakily reaching out for his cold face, his fingers tangled lightly in Evan’s hair, his breathing shaky and his movements unstable.

The imagine haunted him, seeing his best friend, his boyfriend lay lifeless on a bathroom floor covered in pills as his body grew colder

***

“I know..” she whispered, covering his face “But he still did it- And.. and I thought i was trying” she smiled, going through the letters before taking out the one they both hated

“You were trying- He was.. just tired and couldn’t push himself to keep going, We were both trying our best” he tried to cheer her a little, getting a smile before lightly touching the letter “How about we don’t read it now?” he smiled

“We shouldn’t.. It would only make things worse” she smiled, handing him the letter as she looked around, the open door way with dash marks up until his 17th birthday. It stopped at 17. She smiled and stood up, walking to sit next to it, looking at how it ended it adorably at nearly 5’9

Dear Evan Hansen,  
Today is going to be a good day because today’s the day. Homeroom, You’ll go into the bathroom and take the pills you stole from the medicine cabinet, You’re strong, You can work through this. I should be talking about how i’m strong enough to survive but for now i’m giving up. So much has happened in so little time.  
Dad called mom last night, yelling up until the crack of dawn, I know mom needs her sleep as well but it was hard for me to sleep even more so when you’re crying and burying your face into a pillow. I eventually gave up and laid there listening, I didn’t listen for long, Maybe an hour which is short for almost eight hours. Which is surprisingly shorter than all the other nights.  
And she wouldn’t care, I heard them talking. Dad said he wanted to disown me, So he didn’t have to help pay for me. It’s not like he pays the support anyways, He wouldn’t care if I’m here or not. It’d just make his life easier. More importantly mom, She wouldn’t have to deal with me, She could use the money on something more important.  
I’m going to miss Connor though. It’s like he’s the only one who cares, the only one who really cares? But the past few days he’s noticed me bing upset, so I’m gonna have to be more happy and force a smile for a little bit. I need to, to just give it a little time  
I don’t know how they’ll react.. but I’m sure mom won’t care too much, I love you still mom. And Connor.. I love you most, and i’m sorry i wasn’t strong enough. All i needed was to just be found, Just for someone to come and get me, You guys tried your best. And i thank you for that  
Sincerely, Me

Connor sat. Not knowing what to say still. He sat, in Evan’s room. Now empty and missing a precious life he’d grown to love.


	2. Will ice cream make it better?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murphy sibling bonding + A mystery visitor to Heidi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd chapter wasnt 100% planned but,, i felt motivated

Connor woke to the sun shining in his face, he’d left the blinds up at the top of the window so he the window would wake him up. Even if it didn’t, he set his alarm for seven to get him up.. On a Saturday. He hated it, then his stomach sank remembering why he set everything up

He felt the same cold wash of the dark cloud cover him, his smile fading to a frown as his eyes landed on the alarm clock. Just a little before seven, he’d have to up by at least eleven. He knew he was going to hate today, but he made a promise to himself to go

He took a deep breathe, resetting his system. A small smile spread across his face as he uncurled his body, He never remembered curling up in his sleep until Evan left. He would always be sleeping with him or sleeping happily. Now he curled in his sleep, lonely, cold and sometimes scared. Most times crying himself to sleep, especially last night

He remembered his talks with Heidi a few days ago. Talking with her and going through Evan’s old things made it worse, brought up old memories and horrible days. Just as Connor thought about it he remembered the jacket in his arms, he didn’t dare look down at it, he didn’t want to cry right as he woke up. Even then he woke up to it normally by this point, but he was going to do a lot more crying later today.. Might as well wait until the worst parts

He took extra precaution to not look at the jacket, or his arms. He hated his arms, he hated them even more after Evan told him he loved them. Evan loved his scars and all his flaws, as much as Connor hated his scars and depression, Evan made it better, and he never realized how much he needed Evan until he was crying, cuddled in the guidance office in school

He slowly stood up, clutching the jacket in his cold hands as he slowly got out of bed. He hadn’t even bothered to get dressed last night, or in a few days. He knew he needed to shower and get better, he just didn’t know how

_________________________________________________

Heidi woke to the familiar sounds of the dogs barking, horns outside blaring and a knock at the door. She fell asleep on the floor in Evan’s room.. Again. She was going through boxes of his old things still just a few things left. Picking certain items that she had to keep and others she needed to get unattached to

She raised her head, her hair falling over a picking of Evan as a toddler. She quickly smiled before remembering why she woke up, she quickly stood up, walking out of the hall, his fingers brushing against the sloppy pen writing of Evan’s height as she made her way down the hall.

She took a deep breathe, waking herself up a little as she smiled, opening the door. Her smile quickly fading seeing who was at the door.

_________________________________________________

Once Connor got dressed in all black he took a deep breathe. His eyes were dark and heavy, It wasn’t hard to tell he hadn’t slept in days, let alone cried himself to sleep for days. He might’ve cried, but never once did he cut. Never once did he harm himself, smoke any sort of pot, cigarettes or anything. Like he promised Evan. He promised a lot of things to Evan he regret at times, but he knew it was best for him

And he was clean, three months clean of cuts, about five months free of smoking, of any sort. Alcohol was different, he never got drunk, only on his birthday and a few celebrations here and there, but he knew the limit. The limit to freaking Evan out, so he never did it that much. And he made sure to never tell Evan that he himself didn’t even trust himself around Evan, thinking he could end up hurt or.. worse.. But in a time like this, what really is worse than worse?

Connor looked down and realized how tense his face was, he was.. scowling? At the ground, and crying as he gripped Evan’s jacket in his hands. His face let up once he realized there were tear stains on the jacket. He stared at it for just another minute before rubbing his eyes away, Now pink and burning, at least his parents wouldn’t think he was high. It made him laugh a little and smiled down at his shoes, looking at his skinny jeans and dress shirt, rolled up the sleeves

As soon as he got the courage to open his bedroom door he smiled, seeing his sister in black too. A small frown on her face, It made him from too. They made eye contact for a few beats before Connor closed to the door, just barely smiling. Enough to make Zoe smile widely. She rarely ever saw him smiling, let alone laugh or just enjoy himself

They both looked each other up and down, Zoe looking at Connor’s shirt before taking a small step closer, buttoning the top before taking her hands away “You don’t look good in black..” She whispered, her smile already long gone

Connor took that into consideration “You don’t either” He made the mistake of looking into her eyes. She was about to cry, getting ready to anyways as she stared back into his blue and slit of brown eye. She hated making eye contact, so she stared at the brown slit. It was more comfortable to her

He frowned. He knew he wasn’t close to his sister, they fought and yelled and hated each other but Connor was trying, Evan suggested it to him and he had to try a little, At least now he was getting a good morning smile and wave with sometimes a ‘hi’ or ‘hey’ in the mix, but right now he had to step up. 

He’d never done this before, he was horrible at contact expect on Evan. So he tried it, taking a breathe and raising his arms, not all the way out, but enough to let Zoe fall into his chest. He wasn’t the best brother, He didn’t know what he was doing most times, but he was trying his best. Instead of thinking it was Evan, he thought of his sister. How much he actually did love her, they know they hate each sometimes but they’re still siblings and Connor was trying his best. He was just trying, Theres no other way to put it expect he was trying..

And Zoe weeped. She cried violently, gasping for breathe and gripping the back of Connor’s shirt. All he could do was rub her head and hush her down a little to calm down, Something he’d done for Evan many times, but this was a death they’d been dealing with, not a panic attack over a stranger talking to you

“I-I.. I just.. feel terrible” She whispered, her nose resting on Connor’s shoulder. Her eyes were still wet, dripping with tears. Connor could feel how hot they were on his shoulder and pat her head making sure not to pull her barrettes out

“I know.. I do too, but we tried our best” He whispered to reassure her “And none of us knew, And you sure as hell didn’t know, So it couldn’t possibly be your fault. It’s none of our faults. No one’s but mine” He let go of her a little when she leaned up to stare at him. 

She was looking into his actual eyes now, not the little slit of brown. His actual eyes “You didn’t know either.” She stated, rubbing the messy mascara and tears off her face “It’s not your fault either.. I promise you that” She smiled, her smile somehow making Connor just the slightest bit guilty

“But I should’ve” he smiled anyways, In this sad moment of crying and hugs. He smiled and was just barely able to hold back his tears “I was- ..I should’ve just- and I could’ve- but” Connor was cut off by another hug, this time Zoe hugging around his neck to pull him down. He silently obeyed, wrapping his arms around her waist, holding her close. His sister, closest friend and only real comfort at the moment

“You were rambling” she giggled, lightly playing with his curls “I know how you can get when you ramble and.. You were crying” She mumbled “I’ve.. Just- Never seen you cry before..and-“

“I know” he interrupted her, He did want to hear her, He really did. It was just hard, and didn’t want to be reminded of the first time she saw him crying, coming home from school, his eyes a dark red and him looking like an actual mess. He didn’t even notice he was crying again until he saw the tears falling onto the ground near Zoe’s feet. They turned the light carpet a dark color, soaking up his sadness

“Uh.. Yeah- Oh, Shoot, What time is it?” Zoe panics, looking at her phone for the time, flashing a quick nine thirty eight “Oh thank god” She sighed in relief “About two more hours..” She lowered her voice, holding her phone against her chest for a minute

Connor knew she did that when she was nervous, held whatever was closed to her chest. He’d seen it since she was around seven years old “Yeah..” Connor swallowed, rubbing his eyes before looking at Zoe with a slight smile “Hey- Uh.. Hm” Connor tried to talk to her. He wanted to press on and wanted to talk, continue small chats and conversations they’ve had.. He just didn’t know how to or understood how, but she looked up none the less, tilting her head in the curious way she did. Her flopped to the side, her phone sliding down with her hands until she looked down to put it in her skirt pocket. Connor took another shot “Um.. Look I’m, I’m sorry” he randomly mumbled, not knowing whether it was guilt of not being there for Evan or somehow he felt she was disappointed in him

“Um.. For what?” She laughed, watching his expression turn into a smile. Not disappointed at least

“For just.. Not being a brother, I know we always fight and shit so I..I’m sorry, That I wasn’t there enough and that I blocked you out and fought constantly” Zoe frowned as he talked but he smiled “And I know today isn’t a good day to say it all, but.. I’m just so sorry, For not being there enough or just not being enough at all” His shoulders tensed making his body look small in the awkward way Evan used to point out

“..I’m sorry too” She smiled, looking down at her feet, She balanced on the sides of them in her dress shoes “I always wanted to be there, and I thought I should’ve tried more! But.. I knew you’d just get angry and, So I never tried.. I gave up, but I would always try a little bit here and there to try and cheer you up!” She laughed, actually laughed and Connor smiled. Then Connor laughed, lightly at first making Zoe’s expression go blank as she stared at him, laughing a little louder. The first time in near to years she’s heard him laugh

“Am I forgiven then?” Connor mumbled, opening his arms again, a pleading smile on his lips

“Only if I am!” She laughed, rushing into Connor’s arms, hugging him tightly this time. A nice hug, a warm, close, and caring a hug. With no tears. Connor liked this, hugging his sister, Being closer to her, something he’d never knew he could live without

“Of course you are” Connor smiled into her hair, pulling away a little “..Let’s say we kill a little time? We still have another two hours at least, and I don’t wanna mope around the house and just.. sit” he laughed a little and Zoe smiled. She was growing to love his laugh now

“Ice cream?” She suggested, her shoulders raising a little as if an ask for permission

“Only if I drive” he stared at her before letting her go, running down the hallway

She gasped and smiled, running after him. Her phone nearly falling out of her jacket as she flew down the stairs, laughing with Connor as he ran past the kitchen, passing Cynthia and Larry. She stared at them, almost shocked at Connor’s laugh and how wide his smile was. She smiled at him, looking at Larry a little before looking back at the door slamming at Zoe made her way out

“Connor! No way, it’s my car!!” She shrieked, running down the sidewalk close behind Connor as he jumped into the driver’s seat. She sighed, watching him before climbing into the passenger’s seat. She smiled as she closed the door

“Your car or not I know where the keys were” He smirked, sticking the key in as he turned it, starting it up. It was April, still relatively warm for a nice drive, which is why Connor went to roll his window down, leaning his elbow out the window as he pulled out of the small drive way

“Just remember I know where your diary is” She teased. Which, she did know, and the worst part is, Connor knows she knows. He knows that she knows how to get to it

Connor hummed at that, more concentrated on trying not to hit the car behind or in front of him “Ohhhh Fuck you” he mumbled, finally pulling out onto the road, steadily driving thanks to the months with Evan in the car. Especially with Evan, He knew what to do to calm him and keep him safe like sticking an arm out in front of him when he’d have to break really hard or driving at least twenty miles under the speed limit if it was really high. With Zoe it was harder, He didn’t know how fast to drive or if she was even afraid of being in cars. The only time he’d been in a car with her is when they’d go on his parents stupid trips and vacations

“That’s at least three dollars for the swear jar” She randomly said, looking out the window at passing houses. Still generally in their neighbor hood

Connor grimaced, Sure he still swore but was doing better. It was another habit he promised Evan that he’d drop. Which, while he was around Evan, never swore, unless he got horribly flustered and angry, but he was working on that too. His temper and his mouth.

“What? Which swear words have I said? I promise I won’t tell mom” He insisted, Honestly he was just curious, because well, when he said things he’d never remember them properly if he wasn’t paying attention, Which he rarely did. He was always zoning out or sleeping in class

“Well you just dropped an F-bomb” she raised one finger as she smiled

“Sounds like me” Connor reassured, It made her giggle putting a smile on his face as she continued

“And when you said we fought and… stuff, but not that word” She laughed, thinking about another “I know there was three!” She hummed

“I’d believe you if you’d said there was more” Connor mumbled “But yeah, thats another one” He smiled, watching her. He kept his eyes on the road, holding the wheel but the bottom. He was used to driving lazily instead of proper and anxious

“Oh! Hell, You were saying it wasn’t fault I didn’t know about.. Evan” she smiled sadly “You owe me three dollars now” she tried changing the subject but the topic was in his head now. Sure enough, He went with it laughing though

“If I gave you money every time I swore I’d be broke in a week” he mumbled, but it made Zoe laugh. And he smiled at that, happy he was able to just keep her intact and happy

“It goes to my college fund though, So it’s important!” She added, proud of herself

“Is your college fund nail polish and clothes?” He smiled, watching her disgusted face as they giggled “How about I use the money to buy your ice cream? Sound fair?” He suggested, slowly down to turn, instinctively putting an arm over her waist

She stared at his arm before he pulled it away. She knew it was something he did with Evan, Probably. She didn’t mention, but she kept it in thought “So you’re saying you’d make me pay?” She gasped jokingly

“I literally am giving you three dollars. You’re not using all of that cash for college” He rolled his eyes and untended his shoulder. He didn’t even know he was tense until they relaxed on their own

“I use most of it! Like.. Maybe twenty percent” She stifled a laugh, turning it into a light chuckle

“Ugh!” Connor glared at her and it broke into laughter from there. Once quiet again, the ride was quiet for a long time, a few minutes until Connor jumped at a slight buzzing. Zoe jumped too and pulled out her phone, turning off a timer

“Uh- Timer..” She giggled “I set them for each hour until twelve today” She added “It’s ten now so we still have two hours” She put the phone against her chest again, Connor wanting to pull it away from her but resisting the urge to

“Smart idea” he laughed a little, the smile staying on his face. He shouldn’t be smiling right now but he just had to. He loved it right now and he was happy, He had made friends with his sister and they were getting closer. He knew today was going to be bad but he was having a good time at the moment and honestly.. He wasn’t even thinking or wishing Evan was there, He hadn’t even thought about it once. He was getting better, and Zoe could tell


	3. A fun-eral for all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Funerals. Connor is panicky. Evan's dad is there.. then leaves

Zoe wasn’t smiling this time when they got into the car. Connor hated seeing her frown now. Years of them hating and bicker to only lead up to his boyfriend’s death. Connor could really use his sister’s smile right now. Anyone’s smile, any thing’s smile, anything to just have a glimpse of happiness. Zoe knows he needed it, but she couldn’t seem to smile herself, She is about to go to a funeral after all

“Connor?” Zoe whispered, looking out the window. The car wasn’t moving, the engine wasn’t even on but she was watching the world go by, watching as her life crumbled a little bit

“Yeah Zoe?” Connor stared at the wheel, He didn’t want to make any eye contact whatsoever. He was starting to regret even coming

“After this is all over..” She paused. Maybe thinking of how to word it better or to say anything at all, Connor figured she’d change what she was going to say “Don’t do anything stupid” Connor could see her hair turn meaning she turned her head to look at him

And he looked up to meet her eyes “Yeah? ..Alright, I promise” he smiled. He didn’t quite know what stupid meant but he did know what she meant. She couldn’t even imagine to deal with her brother’s death, especially after they just made up

“Promise promise?”

“Promise promise.”

____________________________________________

Connor hated driving with things on his mind but Zoe couldn’t drive yet. Had a learner’s permit but couldn’t drive without a legal adult in the car. Which Connor technically isn’t

He finally arrived at the funeral home. He honestly didn’t know how he made it without crying or screaming. A part of his mind wanted to keep it in, that and Zoe didn’t need to see him like this. A mess and sobbing over something as amazing and horrible as love. It somehow made him smile. The thought of falling in love, Although no one would be as amazing as Evan would be

“You’re smiling” He turned his head to see Zoe still in the car. He hadn’t realized he’d parked yet or that there was the little orange flag on the roof of the car

He took a deep breathe “I am” he smiled a little bit more and took the keys out, opening the car door. He walked to the other side to stand with Zoe for a minute. He saw someone else go in, didn’t see their face but he knew other people were going in. He wanted to leave too, and go inside. But he couldn’t find it in his strength to actually move his legs. So he stood and hoped Zoe didn’t know, Hoping she thought he just needed a minute to relax

Was this what a panic attack felt like? Evan described them so vividly before and Connor felt like he was matching all the symptoms, but he didn’t have anxiety. Depression sure, but could you have panic attack by having depression? Connor didn’t know, all he knew was his chest felt tight and his heart ached as if it were being pressed in on, stabbed and ripped apart at the same time

“So” Connor turned to see his sister again. She shut her mouth and flinched at his movement before relaxing. Connor wished he would do the same “We’re doing this..” She mumbled “We’re actually doing this” She frowned. Connor never realized how a smile looked better on Zoe until today

“We’re doing it” He mumbled, trying to recollect his thoughts. He didn’t like it. Thinking on his own and wanting the pain to stop, he hated it, hated imagining a world without Evan. The sad reality of Evan’s life missing

Then. Zoe took his hand. She didn’t know why, but she squeezed it tightly and smiled up at her brother “Together.” She didn’t actually mean they’re both in it together. She meant they’d go in together and she’s be by Connor’s side every step of the way to comfort him and to just be there. Because thats what siblings and friends are for after all

“Together” Connor smiled at that. Knowing that him and his sister were together. Friends. Could siblings be friends? Connor would never have know that, but it was nice to imagine they were friends now. They could talk to each other and they wouldn’t judge each other because they go through the same things

“Connor, Zoe!” A voice called behind them, it was a higher voicing sounding feminine alright. Connor to see Alana. He smiled at her, because her eyes were puffy but she was smiling herself, the biggest smile he’d seen her give in a long time. If he didn’t know it was forced he might’ve just yelled at her

“Alana” Zoe almost whispered. It was hard to keep her voice loud at times like these, Connor noticed multiple times. She gave Connor’s hand a tight squeeze before she slowly let go, giving Alana a hug “Hey” she whispered, then a tap on Connor’s shoulder made him snap out of it

He turned to see Jared. He didn’t hate Jared but he didn’t necessarily like him after all. Nonetheless he looked at Jared’s open arms and couldn’t resist a hug at the moment. He needs it and for some reason Jared hugged him tightly. Connor couldn’t hear what Zoe was whispering through Jared’s shoulder. He figured it was something about their relationship, but it was hard to hear with his face buried in Jared’s shoulder. It was actually starting to get to Connor that he was taller and took a breathe, pulling away. Jared pat his back a little as they parted and smiled at him

“You doing okay? I know it’s vague and you’ve been asked a lot but how are you right now?” Jared smiled up at him. He noticed Jared’s surprisingly puffy eyes. Connor didn’t say anything for a long while, just thinking about it all. He didn’t know how he was feeling, if he wanted to cry or get angry. He knew he had bad anger issues. He knew he would through things and want to hit things like the time he threw a printer at his teacher in-

“Connor?” Alana’s voice perked up from his side making him flinch. He relax a little and smiled.

“You kind of zoned out on us” Jared frowned “That bad huh?” He smiled a little and Zoe hit him in the arm. He blinked, he’d never seen Zoe hit someone before, Jokingly or not. It looked jokingly but by the way Jared winced he thinks Zoe meant to hurt him for that question

“Sorry, Not what I meant! I just-“

“I’m doing fine.” Connor cut him off and smiled. It wasn’t mean or a smirk, just a small smile meaning ‘Im not fine but I don’t want you to worry’ Sadly, no knows that smile. They don’t know when Connor is hurting, Zoe doesn’t even know. But they all believe him

“I think we should go inside. Being outside in black is making me a little warm” Alana suggested, pointing to the doors to the funeral home. Connor had to take a deep breathe to even look at the building

“Actually can we-“ Connor started which sounded more like ‘Afuallyandwe-‘

“We can wait” Zoe interrupted him. She could sense his nervous tone and hated to see her brother like she, she always hated seeing him like this. Even years before and still to the day. She touched his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. He smiled at her and nodded, taking a small breathe before she squeezed his shoulder, gesturing a deep breathe and for him to take one, soon following along until he felt calm

His heart wasn’t racing and his head didn’t hurt but he knew it would soon. He hated imagining it, he couldn’t bare to see Evan. He couldn’t, he didn’t know how he was going to manage it. He didn’t want to see Evan or anyone for that matter. He didn’t want to show them the week side, the side he hated and never wanted to see himself

“Connor. Connor, Calm down” Zoe’s voice came over his quick gasp. He could feel his eyes growing warm. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t see Evan. He just couldn’t, he didn’t know how he would be able to deal with any of it all. He just couldn’t go through with it

“We’re not rushing you. We can imagine how hard it is for you” Jared stared at him. Not judging or being rude, but out of care. He was worrying about Connor. Connor would never have thought. All he could imagine was Jared staring at him as if he were a freak for crying, It was the first time Jared or Alana had seen him cry. And they both cared for him

Zoe quickly took Connor’s arm, squeezing it a little “Relax. I.. We- Well.. He, Hm” She tried. She couldn’t put her thoughts into words. She looked at Connor and pulled him to the side, whispering to him “I know it’s a lot to go through, and I want to tell you it’ll be over soon. In just two hours maybe it’ll be over. He’s in a better place, and we know it’s rough. Extremely. And I don’t know how to tell you it’ll get better, but it will. I promise” She smiled a little, squeezing his arm “Promise?”

Connor clicked with the words ‘He’s in a better place’ He took a deep breathe and smiled at Zoe “Promise” he smiled. He kept the smile and hugged his sister. He never could imagine how thankful he would be to have a sister like Zoe. He was.. Happy about it

Then Zoe pulled back to nod at him. Then she turned her head to Alana. She was crying, Zoe didn’t know why but she was, and Jared was looking down with his fists clenched as if he were trying his best not to cry

Connor looked at Zoe before they both let go and Connor went to Alana. He knew she liked to cry into a bigger figure which usually meant him or Evan. It was comforting for her. Though he didn’t know why she was crying, It must’ve just been the reality that their friend was gone, and as much as Connor hated to think it. He was dead. He knew why Jared was crying. Even though Jared was an asshole to Evan a lot, Jared was his best friend and Evan was the closest thing jared had to a friend too. Even if he only was Evan’s friend so his parents would pay for things. But Jared wouldn’t help sobbing into Zoe’s shoulder

Alana eventually pulled away, taking a deep breathe as she rubbed her eyes, whispering her apologies to Connor who just smiled, patting her back

“There’s much crying to be done today Beck” He smiled and Alana did too. Jared on the other hand took a second to recollect himself. Connor wasn’t close to Jared, but Evan was. So he kind of had to care about him and feel a sort of sympathy for him. He was always a little jealous of how Jared would steal Evan to hang out with it. Now he just thought about how he couldn’t do it anymore, it made him happy with a bit of guilt. Then the realization he’d never talk with Evan again also hit him

He made a choking noise that everyone stared at. Jared had a small smile as he stared “Dude what the fuck was that?” Connor swallowed and smiled. He sniffled a laugh until he was laughing fully now. Zoe was the next to smile and start laughing, then Alana and Jared, all laughing at some noise Connor made because he realized he’d never be able to talk with Evan hit him. It made Connor smile, that they could all be happy still until the realization they were still outside hit them and it made Connor take a deep breathe

Alana was the first to let go of Zoe’s hand and walk in. They could hear her sobs from the few feet away by the open door. It made Connor’s heart drop. He couldn’t take it, He couldn’t. He kept repeating he could and somehow. Took a step, squeezing Zoe’s hand, he hoped it didn’t hurt but it must’ve. But she didn’t care, she knew how much he needed it even if his hand would have her ring imprints

With that, he took a small step. It was such a little deal, why was he making a big deal out of something like this? Something so little and stupid as to walk into a building but.. It was just a building. It has his first love’s dead corpse in it. Just that thought made him take a sharp breathe, stopping. He needed to clear his head. He didn’t know how. He didn’t know how he started walking again, the first thing he seeing is flowers. Tons of them, he swallowed and moved forward and looked at the empty chairs. It was a-custom that people who were close sat in the front

He hated knowing he’d sit up there. But at the same time he needed it. Wanted to be close with Evan, one last time. He took a deep breathe and looked at Heidi, a tall man sitting next to her who was just. Sitting. He was confused at who he was, but shrugged it off a little to looked at Zoe. She was silent crying and Connor hated knowing Zoe was trying to hide it, He smiled and squeezed her hand. He knew she was only standing there because Connor needed it. He took a deep breathe and walked to the front, stopping in front of Heidi. He let go of Zoe’s hand for her to take a seat next to Alana, then Jared on the end

Connor crouched in front of Heidi and smiled, watching her face. She looked tired and sick of life, which in honesty. Connor has made many times and understood. She looked up through sobs and smiled at him. She looked sad but all Connor could see was the mother she was trying to be

“I.. I tried to be a good mom” she whispered to Connor. She hated crying in front of everyone but she grew comfortable with Connor after they talked and went through the rest of Evan’s things “And now.. A-And now I’m not a mother at all” she cried. Connor pulled her close and hushed her. He knew what it was like to have a mother cry. He remembers his mom explaining the miscarriages before him and Zoe. He didn’t even want to think about how Heidi could imagine losing a seventeen year old

“It’s okay, it’s okay” he whispered, petting her head. He was hoping doing the same reassuring things to her would help like they did with Evan. He was hoping for it anyways. He waited until Heidi was calmed down and stood up, moving to his chair next to her. He smiled and nodded a little, her slowly giving a nod back as the priest talked. But he couldn’t pay attention. He caught a few words here and there like “Friend” “Son” and “Loved” but couldn’t listen to it all. He couldn’t bare to hear the lies that people talk about him

So he sat, with his eyes closed. He wasn’t sleeping, though he was thinking. Wishing. Wishing Evan would sit up in the casket and start coughing, the pills not working its way through his body and the blood in his veins still thrived, his heart still beating. His chest moving up and down slightly as he slept. For a mere second he thought Evan’s chest did move, hoping he’d wake up. It was all some cruel joke and he would sit up and mumble something about feeling sick like he had down weeks before. He wished for Evan to even start laughing, as hideous the thought, Connor wished Evan started laughing and sat up crying from laughter and for god’s sake told them all it was some joke. He wished for anything to have Evan alive again, whether Evan hate him or still love him. He could live in a world with Evan hating him, with Evan never wanting to see him but he could not live in a world without Evan Hansen

Zoe touched his shoulder. He flinched away, looking at her. For a second he thought it was Evan. He wished it was Evan. To see Evan one last time to talk him out of everything he wanted. He shook his head to look at Zoe properly. She was frowned with tears staining down her face. She knew he needed comfort, some kind of comfort of any kind what so ever. She reached over to hold his hand hand, squeezing it lightly as he took a deep breathe. He rubbed his eyes doing no good as he cried more. He knew he would be crying for a while. Especially seeing Evan being buried. Just the thought alone made him want to scream. A quick sob he muffled with a bite of his lip

He swallowed it down and took a breathe, looking at Zoe. He hugged her, slowly and tightly. And he held her, knowing she was messed up by this all too. It all changed when she let go and he looked at her confused, pulling him down against her chest to hold him. He’d never been held before, not by anyone. Not Evan which he wishes he tried before.. Zoe pressed her hands against Connor’s head and held him closely. He relaxed a little, he didn’t know what he was doing but he hugged her back, melting into his sister as he cried. Silent and simple. Then, Piano. He sighed as the light music played

He hated it, He hated funeral music and he hated the flowers Evan would be sneezing over and the fact that they were orange and how Evan hated orange and the roses were close to him but he hated roses if they were red because Evan hated red roses. He thought they were over used and seen too much during valentine’s day. Or for any kind of romantic thing, Thats why Connor always got him peonies because they were Evan’s favorite. The light pink ones, and he was a flower nerd who knew what they all meant. They meant romance and prosperity, and sometimes marriage. Something Evan and Connor wanted

He hated it all, How all the people there didn’t actually care about him. Like the man sitting next to Heidi, He didn’t know who he was but he hated him already for not crying and for not even paying attention. He just seemed to be spacing out and it made Connor a little upset that some people don’t care about Evan and Connor cares so much

Once the priest stepped down, Connor wiped his eyes. He coughed a little to clear his throat and take a breathe. And he smiled, a little thankful it was all over. He was happy he was doing well. He was very proud of himself. And he could see Zoe’s smile showing how she was proud too. She stood up, pulling Connor up with her. Then other people stood up and a few looked at Evan. He hated looking over at Evan like that. He had a front row ticket to watching Death take its place. He hated it, felt sickened by everyone just looking at a dead body

Heidi barely glanced at him and she just couldn’t look at him. She gasped and turned around, covering her face as Jared raced to her side, comforting her. Connor smiled at that. Knowing someone cared for her still, She needed it. She especially needed it. Connor then frowned and turned to Evan. He wouldn’t dare call him dead or the corpse. He hated that word. Dead, because Evan wasn’t dead. It was just a big joke

He looked at Zoe before looking back at Evan. He could see just a glimpse of his face. He was smiling with his eyes closed. Not a big smile like he was happy about his death, more of an apologetic smile or a sad smile as if he wished he was still there

Connor blinked and looked down at everyone’s feet. He never realized he could tell Evan’s feet apart from everyone else’s until now, Once he’s not there with them. He had small feet, and he’d use them against Connor when he snuck up on him. He remembered him jumping off the couch and onto Connor’s back or the hugs from behind because his foot steps were so light and fragile as if he were so scared to make a sound. Connor loved it though, he loved surprise hugs from Evan. Then he thought about how he’d never get them again and shook his head. He was determined to get better

He smiled and waited until the people left to walk up to Evan laying down. He smiled at him. His hair was waved across his face and messy like bed head. Connor focused on his face, like the smile. He loved the smile somehow, It looked good on Evan. Anything looked good on Evan, Connor would love him regardless. He bit his lip a little, thinking about Evan

How the year flew by and somehow ended up at this. He’d be graduating soon and Evan would’ve been too. It made him sad to think about. To think that one day they could’ve grown up, gone to college, get married and a few kids. Connor wanted that, but Evan wanted other plans he guessed

“I’m sorry” he whispered, slowly leaning down to kiss Evan’s forehead. It was cold and didn’t feel like his skin. It didn’t smell like Evan either. It didn’t smell sweet like the bubble gum he dragged around everywhere and it didn’t smell like the morning waffles he’d sometimes bring Connor. It didn’t smell like anything, It just smelled like chemicals. Like a hospital. Connor didn’t think it suited Evan all that well

“Connor” Zoe whispered, tapping his shoulder as he looked up from Evan “Um, Heidi wants to talk with you and, Um.. Gavin” she smiled, pointing to the man who was completely unfazed by Evan’s death. He didn’t seem angry or upset, just.. Bored

“Um.. Right” Connor mumbled, walking to Heidi and the supposed Gavin person. He didn’t like the way Gavin smiled at him. It was weird and creepy but welcoming. He did not want to touch this man’s hand. He shook his hand, with a slightly disgusted face

“Connor, This is Gavin.. Evan’s father” Heidi smiled and Connor’s heart dropped. He knew something was off. He jerked his hand away, feeling his face flair in anger a little. He couldn’t lash out, not now. He took a deep breathe and smiled accordingly “And Gavin, This is Connor.. Evan’s um..”

“It’s alright to say ex, I mean.. It kind of means we broke up” he smiled and Heidi nodded a little. He looked at Gavin and smiled at the small disgusted face he made “I’m Connor. Evan’s ex-boyfriend” and he watched as Gavin grew a little uncomfortable. Connor enjoyed this, Seeing Evan’s dad get uncomfortable

Evan told him about how he only say his dad every five years, starting from age seven. He saw him just this year, and his dad isn’t even crying at his funeral. Connor understood, Evan said his dad didn’t care about him but Connor didn’t think he didn’t care this much. At least he attended the funeral

“So Gavin, Have you um.. Seen our son?” Heidi broke the silence while Jared stayed by her side. She was grateful for it too and smiled “He looks so.. Happy almost” She smiled, looking over at Evan again as she cried

“Oh uh.. Yeah” Gavin mumbled, looking down “I mean, if he wanted to do this then.. You’d figured he’d be happy” Having shrugged and something inside of Connor.. Cracked.

“What?” Connor mumbled, more in shock than anything “W.. What did you just say?”

“All I’m saying is if Evan really wanted to die this bad then he should be happy and proud of himself for killing him-“

Connor lost it, he pulled back his arm and socked the man right in his face. Connor wasn’t sure where it was but he knew it was above his mouth some and a loud crack came from his jaw. Connor wasn’t sure what happened next but he knew he heard people gasping and Zoe screaming his name but he couldn’t hold it back anymore

“How can you shit talk your own child like that?! He was your oldest son, Your only son for that matter! You have two daughters and thats it- and you don’t care about Evan?! You don’t care about your one and only son, Your first child who you neglected as a child and still to this day! You haven’t cried once and can look at him. Heidi can’t bare even the thought of looking at him and you? You come in here and look at him and don’t care! You can’t tell me that you never once wished to grow up with Evan, Not once that you wished you stayed in his life! Not a little bit that you feel guilty for what you’ve done? I’d feel guilty if I just left Evan and said good bye and.. Fucking moved five states over because I’m a coward who can’t bare to look at my only son” Connor stared at Gavin, the bruise forming under his eye looked nasty

“Connor-“ Zoe mumbled

“I moved because-“

“Because you didn’t care! You never fucking cared and the only reason you’re here now is the same reason anyone goes to a funeral! Because no one cares until you’re fucking dead!!” Connor glared at Gavin. He couldn’t even call him Evan’s dad anymore, Just an asshole

“Connor!” Zoe gasped. Everyone gasped actually. Heidi stared at Connor in fear and heart break in fact

“Which is the only reason you’re here right now” Connor was being a little bold, Cocky? Sure, but Truthful? Very. “And you’re only getting flustered because I’m spitting plain truth in your face” Connor snarled. Like a dog, with no growl. His lips brought up high with his glare as he stared Gavin down. And Gavin. Still wasn’t crying. He just glared and held his cheek

“I don’t have to answer to any of this from a child” Gavin stated

“Adult thing to say, Why don’t you go back to Colorado or wherever and stop being a fake father” Connor spat. He didn’t care how truthful he was getting. He couldn’t take it if Gavin kept being a horrible father. “Because you’re still a dad, but Heidi. She’s not a mom anymore. But you of course don’t give a damn about that” Connor plainly said. He wasn’t smiling but he was being cocky

“Connor!” Zoe punched him in the arm while Jared put a hand on his shoulder. Connor didn’t say anything after that, Nor did Gavin before he walked out of the door to the funeral homes

“Let the damn door hit you on the way out!” He screamed, watching as the door closed and what looked to be him tripped at the bottom. It made Connor smirk a little through his teary eyes

“Connor.” Jared stated, looking him in the eyes. “No words could express how royally fucking up that was..” He mumbled “But it was true” He admitted, Connor smiling at that. Connor did do good. Then he looked at Heidi crying. He frowned and looked down. He forgot she was even then the whole time. The thought of her watching made him a little sick to his stomach but before he could say anything else she was hugging him tightly and smiling

“Thank you..” She whispered. Everyone stared but she stayed hugging him and mumbling ‘Thank you’ Again and Again and Again..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friends all begged me to have Connor punch evan's dad so yo  
> here ya go


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its uh ,,, been a while guys, cough, sorry,, i really have nothing to say.. im reallys orry about not updating it.

When Heidi pulled away she was smiling as wide as Connor had ever seen. He comforted her the best he could and smiled as she whispered he gratitude and all the praises she could at him. She wiped her eyes and slowly took a set back “Thank you Connor. I appreciate it gratefully”

“No need to thank me, Heidi” Connor smiled, glancing at his sister and Jared’s smiles “It was my pleasure” He smiled, looking around at the people staring “Although i think i messed up greatly” Connor whispered, looking to his sister for guidance. She smiled nervously and shrugged helplessly. She didn’t know what to do, she’d only been to one other funeral of her grandma’s that was when she was three. She noticed the slight biting of his lip before shrugging. She took his hand and brought him back to their seats without a single word being said.

Jared took a second before sitting down with Alana, the rest of Evan’s family exchanging low murmurs and whispers before sitting down. Connor was sure they’d never seen an outburst so horrible as that at a funeral. Connor was hoping it wouldn’t get too much attention later, like at school or after the funeral. He also hoped his parents wouldn’t find out either. Now all he had to do was pray Zoe wouldn’t snitch. He had a feeling she wouldn’t.

Everything from the speeches to taking the casket outside was just a blur. It was all too big of a blur for Connor to peice together. He remembered the first stage of grief was denial. He wasn’t in denial. Maybe not completely. He accepted it. So maybe he was in the bargening phase. He would give anything to have Evan back. He might’ve even given his own life up for Evan’s.

Zoe grabbing his hand as they walked outside was what centered him. He looked up into her eyes before glancing at her smile. She squeezed his hand “It’s gonna be okay” She whispered “You’re gonna get through this” She grinned wider.

Connor couldn’t help but feel something in the back of his head. Pride, maybe? Happiness. Probably pride. He was pretty proud of their relationship. Maybe pride wasn’t the word he was looking for, but he sure felt something.

Once he got in the car, he felt like crying. He heard his sister open the door and climb in next to him before reaching over to rub his shoulder. Connor looked up to see all the other cars driving out to follow the hearse. Connor sighed softly before putting the key in, pulling out with everyone else. Connor kept his eyes on the road while Zoe looked out the window at people who stopped and gave them sympathetic looks.

“I’m sorry you lost your boyfriend” Zoe said after a few minutes. The ride there only would be about ten to fifteen minutes, but it felt like an hour already and it’d only been about three.

“I’m sorry you lost a friend” Connor responded. He didn’t know what to do now. His world was crumbling and it felt like his fault. Maybe if he’d stopped Evan from ever leaving the room. Or maybe checked up on him more. Maybe he’d just been a better friend in general. He shook his head softly to get his thought away. He had to keep his eyes on the road instead.

“Hey” Zoe whispered “Don’t beat yourself up over this. It isn’t your fault” Zoe mumbled, fiddling with her hands in her lap. She was still smiling and for some reason it brought happiness to Connor’s mind.

“It’s like you’re a mind reader now” He grinned, glancing at her growing smile “I just can’t help but think it’s my fault” He whispered, rubbing his thumb across the steering wheel.

“How could it be your fault? And don’t give me the ‘maybe’ shit either. We both know this couldn’t be stopped. If he chose to or not, suicide just.. Can’t be stopped sometimes” She sighed.

“Bull shit” Connor muttered. Zoe only shook her head, knowing it’d start a pretty big fight. Connor was quiet for the rest of the ride, glancing up at the cemetery. He watched people dig as he pulled in, parking between other cars. He took out the key and sat there for a long minute, leaning against the door with his elbow.

“It’s gonna be okay” Zoe reassured again, softly pushing his shoulder “Now c’mon, we gotta get out” She smiled as she opened the door, the soft slam making Connor look up at the group gathering around the fresh grave. He came back to his senses when his sister blocked their view, opening the door for him. He huffed a little and smiled, stepping out anyways. Connor glanced at the group of people again before looking down. Needless to say, they walked hand in hand there.

Connor zoned out for the speeches and most of the talking again. He was thinking more of the stages of grief. It was denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Maybe it was depression then anger. He wasn’t angry, so maybe it was depression first. Maybe he skipped a step. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe, maybe wouldn’t help him. 

A tap to his cheek brought him back, flinching away from it. Zoe smiled, moving the hand to his hair instead, rubbing his head. He really didn’t mind. It felt nice actually. He wouldn’t admit that when she pulled away he was sad, but, he was.

“You wanna see him one last time?” Zoe mumbled, sitting back down, leaning a little over him. Connor shook his head and stared at the grass “Ready to go home?” She asked, tilting her head over a little. When Connor shook his head again, she nodded and leaned back into her chair “I’ll wait, okay? I’m ready when you are” She smiled again, rubbing his shoulder.

Connor smiled a little and took this time to glance at Heidi talking with her sister. Evan’s aunt and uncle. He vaguely remembers him visiting an aunt one summer. Not a lot of detail, but he sent lots of pictures of them on the beach and lots of seagulls for some reason. Connor smiled wider at the memory before realizing it’ll never happen again. 

He blinked, his eyes widening at the ground. He hated the realization. That’d he’d never get to see or touch Evan’s soft face anymore. Connor slouched at the thought before sitting up and standing “Ready to go home?” He mumbled, scratching his head.

Zoe frowned and stood up, glancing at Evan already being buried “..Yeah. But I don’t think you are” She mumbled.

Connor sighed, knowing she was exactly right “I hate that you know me so well” He muttered.

“Perks of being a sibling?” She shrugged, smiling.

Connor sighed and shrugged with her, sitting for a long time. Too long. Heidi came and went, wishing them a goodbye as well as the rest of Evan’s family. Jared said he’d leave long ago, before Heidi. He told Connor he’d be okay and wished him well.

Soon it was just Connor and Zoe, left with their one car and a fresh patch of dirt. Zoe stood with Connor before turning to the car “I’m gonna wait in the car. If you take too long i’ll leave without you. Call me when you’re ready, or i’ll come back around ten.. Just. Be careful. I know-”

“I’m not gonna off myself”

Zoe flinched and made a choking noise in her throat before humming “..It’s just. Sometimes-”

“When someone close dies, you get depressed. I know. But that doesn’t mean i’m gonna leave everyone here” He mumbled, his eyes flickering over Evan’s grave. He frowned at the glossy top, curving. He looked back at Zoe, noticing her hesitant behavior “You can wait in the car, I’d like to.. Talk” He mumbled the end to himself, squeezing his hands together.

She sighed with a smile, hugging him quickly before walking down the path to the car. She wanted to say something. Good luck, be careful. I’m sorry? Nothing really fit. She walked in silence, climbing into the passenger seat before glancing at her brother, softly pouting. She watched as he sat in the grass next to the dirt, leaning back on his hands before crossing his legs. She smiled, watching his lips move.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said first off, smiling “..I know I’m not helping. I know I didn’t help, and I’m sorry. I feel like it’s my fault even though it’s not. I just wish I had been better. Maybe I would’ve saved you. Maybe we could’ve gotten married and even have a daughter.. I remember you saying you wanted to name her River. She would’ve looked just like us” He joked “..Zoe even offered to be the serget” He grinned “You didn’t know that, but Zoe offered anyways”

Connor sighed as he sat up, glancing at the tombstone again “..I’m sorry, baby” He whispered “We didn’t make it this time” He felt his eyes burning before blinking quickly, letting the tears fall. He wiped them away, feeling a hand on his shoulder. He turned to expect Zoe before realizing no one was there. He blinked, glancing to the car, making eye contact with her. 

“..Evan?” He whispered, feeling two hands on his shoulders, feeling tears well up in his eyes, spilling over rapidly “N-now don’t fuck with me like this…” He whispered, sniffling as he wiped his eyes.

He couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of someone hugging him around the neck and pressing into his back. He grinned, raising a hand to his collarbone, unable to feel anything “..I love you” He grinned at the small whisper of an ‘i love you too’ before standing up. He stared at his grave once before whispering “I think your mom would like a visit too.. But come back every now and then for me, okay?” Connor whispered, feeling the pressure fall off his shoulders. He sighed softly as he walked to the car, wiping away his eyes before he climbed into the car, smiling.

“I have a feeling you’re feeling better?” Zoe smiled.

“..It’s kind of like he never left, you know?” Connor smiled, leaning back in his seat. Zoe’s presence was nice as he pulled out onto the road, halfway through the ride, feeling something else in the car.

He smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Near the beginning i wanted Evan to burst in and just say "IM JUST MOVING OUT FOR COLLEGE" for shits and giggles
> 
> Also; yes i looked up how tall ben was and he said in a tweet he was 5’9.25
> 
> Also also; when heidi says tomorrow's the day, i was talking about the funeral but,, am still considering on writing it in


End file.
